Soul Reaver A Piece of Parody please
by Popeland
Summary: Huzzah! My first ever parody! Eidos can't stop me! Well actually, they probably could... but...ah... they shouldn't? Yeah.
1. Default Chapter

Me: At this stage you probaly know i don't own LoK but just in case i've put together a litttle puppet show!  
(Popeland has 2 socks on his hands one with eidos written on it the other with popeland written on it)  
Eidos Sock: I own LoK  
Popeland sock: I don't  
(Curtains fall to wild applause)  
Me: Thank you! Thank you! So now you know I own nothing to do with LoK except this fanfiction!  
  
Introuducing  
Soul Reaver-The "The Scripts been stolen and ruined!" edition  
  
  
  
Raziel VO: Kain is deified. The Clans tell tales of Him. Usually behind his back and involving humorous wigs. Few know the truth because he lies so much. Quite frankly I don't think he beat all of the circle at the same time using only a toothpick. Anyway, His contempt for humanity drove him to create me, and my brethren  
I am Raziel, first-born of His lieutenants. I stood with Kain and my brethren at the dawn of the empire.. and the I went back to bed. I have served Him a millennium and a bit. Over time, we became less human and more ...divine.. Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift... this year he was hoping for a bicycle. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow.  
Until I had the honour of surpassing my lord. For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward... agony. Not only agony but I also got eternal damnation - to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead. Wow what a great reward! I got two for the price of one!  
  
Kain: Cast him in.   
  
(Raziel is thrown into the lake of the dead)  
  
Kain: .........ONLY KIDDING!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I had you going there for a while! eh Raz?......Raz? ........ ah damn  
  
Raziel VO: Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss. Speakable pain... it was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, really REALY painful  
  
An eternity passed, and my hairline receded, bringing me to the precipice of having a comb over.. Brrrrrrrr..... The descent had destroyed me... and yet I lived.   
  
Elder God: Raziel... You are worthy  
I know you, Raziel. You are worthy of the new Nosgoth Gold Card!!  
  
Raziel: What madness is this?I applied for no such card!  
  
Elder God: The choice is not yours  
  
Raziel: is that the only reason I'm here?  
  
Elder God: Errrr.......no . Ahem... The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I can not spin them in the wheel of fortune.   
  
Raziel: Wheel of fortune?  
  
Elder God: I said wheel of fate!!  
  
Raziel: No you didn't!  
  
Elder God: Shutup!!! Just go away and kill your brothers you idiot!! And make the wheel of fortune churn again...  
  
Raziel: You just said it again!!!  
  
Elder God: Look you have been tortured of hundreds of years it must have impaired your hearing....  
  
Raziel: I know what I heard!  
  
Elder god whispers: but I said wheel of fate......  
  
Raziel: What was that? Hmmmmm maybe my hearing is gone a bit bad  
  
(Raziel walks out of the cave)  
  
Elder god: Muh ha ha ha ha!!!  
  
(A wheel covered in cobwebs is revealed)  
  
Elder God: oh you will spin again! And then you will be mine!! Forever!  
  
Raziel: I can still hear you  
  
Elder God: Damn!!!  
  
(Raziel walks into a room)  
  
Elder God: You are weak - you must feed.   
  
Raziel: The old hunger has left me I have no desire for happy meals.   
  
Elder God: You are changed. Your Happy meal hunger is replaced by a deeper need - you have become a devourer of souls.   
  
Raziel: Ewwwwwwww!!! I'm not eating that! It could be anything's soul!  
  
Elder God: Don't worry after awhile everything tastes like chicken soul  
  
(Raziel arrives at a chasm)  
  
Elder God: Your wings, though ruined, are without purpose..........  
  
Raziel: And?  
  
Elder God: nope that's it  
  
Raziel: Could I not use them to glide across?  
  
Elder God: No  
  
(Raziel glides across the chasm)  
  
Elder God: ....i mean yes. Yes you can  
  
(Raziel Encounters the Salugh)  
  
Raziel: What scabrous wretches are these?   
  
Elder God: Sluagh, the scavengers of the Underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls  
  
Raziel: So I kill them right?  
  
Elder God: I don't know ask them  
  
(Raziel Walks up to the slaugh)  
  
Raziel: Ermmmmm...hello I'm new around here and I'm wondering if I'm supposed to kill you  
  
Slaugh: Yep, where the standard spectral enemies  
  
Raziel: Oh thanks for clearing that up  
  
Slaugh: No probl....ARGHHHHHH!!!!  
  
(Raziel encounters a material-plane portal for the first time. )  
  
Elder God: These portals are your conduit between the spectral and material realms.   
  
With their aid, you may gather matter and will yourself to become manifest in the physical world.  
  
Raziel: manifest?!  
  
Elder God: sigh........ if you stand here you can take off your your green tinted spectral sunglasses  
  
Raziel: Sunglasses?!  
  
Elder God: oh just stand on the blue thing and wave your hands around....  
  
Raziel comes across the frist swimming pool  
Elder God: You are young yet, Raziel - you still retain many of your vampiric weaknesses. Immersion in water, while not fatal, will dissolve your physical body, forcing your return to the spirit world.   
  
Raziel: so my body being dissolved isn't fatal?  
  
Elder God: amm........ no  
  
(Raziel find the dumahaim vampires)  
  
Raziel: What are these creatures?  
  
Elder God: Do you not recognise them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.   
  
Raziel: So I'm there uncle?  
  
Elder God: Er.......I suppose so  
  
(Raziel walks over to them)  
  
Raziel: Hi I'm your long,long,long lost uncle!   
  
Dumahaim: Hey you owe us a millennia of birthday presents!!!!  
  
Raziel: Well I.......you see I....... Ermmmmmmm........ DIE!!!!  
  
(Raziel kills both vampires)  
  
(Raziel emerges outside)  
  
Raziel: VO: My God...   
The Sanctuary of the Clans, reduced to ruin...   
  
Beyond these walls lay the Pillars of Nosgoth, the seat of Kain's empire. How humble it now appeared, collapsing into the dust of its former magnificence. And yet I had only just emerged... In the instant between my execution and resurrection, centuries had apparently passed...   
  
(The ground shakes violently)  
  
Elder God:........... ohhhhhhh...... that's the last time I have chilli  
  
Raziel: ewwwwww! Shutup!  
  
(Raziel kills the vampires in the area and walks to the lake of the dead)  
  
Raziel VO: This, at least, had remained constant. The endlessly swirling vortex of the abyss. Around and around and around and around and..urghhhhhh..... I'm going to stop looking at it now.   
Though much of Nosgoth's landscape had changed, these cliffs gave me my bearings. Especially the Giant glowing sign saying "RAZIEL'S TERRITORY THIS WAY" .I was anxious to see how my descendants had fared during the centuries of my absence and to make sure they hadn't ruined the house.  
  
(Raziel walks towards his territory)  
  
Raziel VO: Utter desolation. Dust on every mantelpiece. Oh and my once proud kin wiped from this world... well at least they didn't die on the carpets.   
I knew the hand that wrought this deed... COLONEL MUSTARD! In the library with the candle sick!!....or Kain...... yeah actually it was probably Kain  
  
Next chapter  
Raziel finds and kills melchiah!!!   
Warning next chapter may contain knitting  
Read and Review PLEASE!!!!!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Me: Thanks for reviewing! I'd give you something but the Eidos sock has stolen everything i own  
Eidos sock: Shutup!  
(Eidos sock hits popeland over the head with a chair)  
Me: SAVE ME!!!!!   
  
Introuducing  
Soul Reaver- The "Stop him before he kills us all!!" edition  
  
  
Exploring the western ruins of his clan territory Raziel spies a band of creatures that he has not yet encountered.  
  
  
Raziel:I didn't recognise these flayed wracks of flesh.. It reminded me of when was working in NFC ( Nosgoth Fried Chicken) for that week-end. But these creatures where not the 1.99$ Mystery Meat Special. Their scent was vampiric, but they gnawed upon their victim's carcass like dogs............ much like the 1.99 Mystery Meat Special actually......  
  
Melchiahaim 1: That's it!! Your not in the position to be insulting people looks!  
  
Melchiahaim 2: Yeah! At least we don't hide behind tea towels!  
  
Raziel:......... sniff.............. that's really mean.......  
  
Melchiahaim 1: What are you going to do? Kill us and steal our souls?!! Pah!! I'd like to see that!  
  
Raziel: all right  
  
Melchiahaim 2: All right what? OH DEAR GOD!!!! ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(Raziel kills the 2 vampires)  
  
Raziel: That'll teach you!! Ha! You won't cross me again! Hey don't disintegrate when I'm talking to you!....... no respect  
  
(Raziel walks off and comes across a charnel house)  
  
Raziel: This charnel house bore the unmistakable marks of Melchiah's clan. A teddy bear and a handbag. We never got the hand bag bit..... To what depths had our dynasty plummeted, if these ghouls were the descendants of my high-born brother? Were they so debased as to recruit fledglings from the desiccated corpses here interred?   
  
Corpse: Yep  
  
Raziel: Right so. Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained much of its previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying caramel and nougat....... Mmmmmmmm.......   
  
Elder God: RAZIEL!! Stop eating that Mars Bar!  
  
Raziel: But its so tasty!!!  
  
(A large tentacle swings down and knocks the Mars bar out of Raziels Hands)  
  
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Raziel Runs into the charnel house)  
  
(After a lot of running around and saying "there was at least half the bar left!" Raziel meets Melchiah)  
  
Raziel: Show yourself, creature!   
  
Melchiah: Do you not recognise me, brother? Am I so changed?   
  
Raziel: If I could see you it would help  
  
Melchiah: Oh yeah........ I suppose it would  
  
Raziel: John?!!!  
  
Melchiah: Yesss, brother.......... Wait a minute! No you idiot!!  
  
Raziel: Dave?  
  
Melchiah: Oh for god sake!  
  
Raziel: Mike?  
  
Melchiah: ITS MELCHIAH YOU IDIOT!!!  
  
Raziel: I knew that.......  
  
Melchiah: You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.   
  
Raziel: Pleasant like when I was thrown into the abyss?  
  
Melchiah: Yep....... Those were the days  
  
Raziel: What has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.   
  
Melchiah: at least I still have lips!  
  
Raziel: That was mean!!!  
  
Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so... unsettling.   
  
Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?   
  
Raziel: Err........... upstart inheritance?  
  
Melchaih: Ermmmmm ..........am........You are the last. To die!  
  
(Melchiah attacks Raziel)  
  
(Raziel finds a switch)  
  
Raziel: OHHHH! A switch!  
  
(Raziel Pulls it and the gate slams down)  
  
Raziel: Maybe I can use this to my advantage  
  
(Raziel breaks the switch and starts to beat Melchiah with it)  
  
Melchiah: OWWWW! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! I better hide in this blood stained circle!  
  
(Raziel is about to pull the final switch)  
  
Raziel: Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?  
  
Melchaih: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel.   
  
Kain shouting from a ledge: Yeah! Hahahaha!!  
  
Melchiah: He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.  
  
Kain: I do? Damn! I was never here  
  
(Kain runs out the door)  
  
Melchiah: now if you could just let me live.......  
  
(Raziel pulls the switch)  
  
Melchiah: DAMN!! Why did I buy this giant back massager?!!!  
  
(Melchiah dies and Raziel devours his soul)  
  
Elder God: You have done well, Raziel.   
  
Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?   
  
Elder God: Well you do smell a bit but calling yourself a fratricide is going a bit far.........  
  
Raziel: oh shutup  
  
Elder God: Consuming Melchiah's soul has endowed you with a new gift.   
Insubstantial barriers such as this gate are no impediment to you in the spectral realm. Will yourself to pass through, and you shall.   
  
(Raziel shifts to the spectral and phases through the gate)  
  
Elder god: Damn!! you were supposed to just run into the gate and hurt yourself! You actually aren't able to move through gates!   
Anyway Return to the Sanctuary of the Clans, Raziel. Melchiah's soul has endowed you with the means to gain entry.   
Beware, however - this hollow derelict is abandoned, but not uninhabited...  
  
Raziel: so your saying that no one is there .....but someone is there?  
  
Elder god: Ammmmmm........ I'm not here  
  
  
(Raziel wanders off to the sanctuary of the clans and rings the doorbell)  
  
Kain: one second!   
  
(the door is unlocked)  
  
Kain: Raziel.   
  
Raziel: WHERE?!!!  
  
Kain: er...... you're Raziel  
  
Raziel: But he's Dead!!!!  
  
Kain: and so are you  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah. What have you done with my clan, degenerate? You have no right....  
  
Kain: What I have made, I can also destroy, child. Take for example this this jumper I knitted, I made it , I can destroy it......... I just don't want to......... ever  
  
Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of blasphemous stitching is unconscionable!   
  
Kain: Conscience...? You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice of wool and knitting needles can you dare to question my judgement!   
Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first turned me from embroidery.. To know that the fate of a jumper hangs dependent on the advisedness of my every stitch -- can you even begin to conceive what action you would take, in my position?   
  
Raziel: I would have choose a diamond stitch instead of a blackberry stitch on the third row Kain!  
  
(Kain looks at the jumper)  
  
Kain: Hmmmmmm that probably would have worked better all right. Any way enough about the jumper. Look around you, Raziel - see what has become of our empire..... well my empire. Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth......... I've knitted a little scene which shows the state of Nosgoth  
  
Raziel: ENOUGH ABOUT THE KNITT........... thats quite good actually  
  
Kain: Thanks, This place has outlasted its usefulness -- as have you.   
  
(Kain takes out the soul reaver)  
  
Raziel VO: The Soul Reaver, Kain's ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly.   
the legends claimed that the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of its victims. It was strange that their was a sword which could do the exact same thing as me. probably a coincidence. Not a paradoxical riddle that could cause time itself to rearrange.  
For all our bravado, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver - it meant you were dead..... or that he had to scratch his back  
  
(Raziel is knocked into the spectral at least 50 time and then finally hits Kain)  
  
Kain: Dammit Raziel I had to sneeze!!  
  
(Kain breaks the reaver over Raziel)  
  
Kain: The blade is vanquished but they said it could never be broken!!. So it unfolds... my lawsuit against the Avernus giftshop ..... oh and we are a step closer to our destinies.   
  
(Kain disappears)  
  
I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. He had always wanted an excuse to bring azimuth gift shop emporium down.I did not understand the game that Kain was playing. I mean if he's a dog how can he own property? And buy houses and hotels? Why on earth would you get 200$ for passing Go?!!! I DEMAND ANSWERS!!! And another thing if........  
  
(Kain runs in with a shovel and decapitates Raziel)  
  
Kain: JUST SHUT UP!!  
  
  
  
Next chapter  
Ariel talks........... huzzah.......... and Zephon dies!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!  
Popeland would like to apolagise for the blatant use of knitting in this chapter  
Read & Review! PLEASE!! 


	3. Chapter 3

Me: ARGHHHHHHH!!! IT HAS MY FOOT!!! GET IT OFF ME!!!  
  
Eidos sock: Mmmmmmf!!  
  
(Angel-Chan sock runs in and tackles eidos sock)  
  
Eidos sock: Ahhhhhh!!! It's a living sock run away!!!  
  
(Eidos sock runs off closely followed by Angel-Chan sock)  
  
Me: Huzzah! Thank you Batman!  
  
Popeland sock: er..... thast wasn't Batman  
  
Me: oh yeah........... hey why didn't you save me?!!!  
  
Popeland sock: I was busy. I fight crime  
  
Me: Fair enough. On the Parody!!  
  
  
Introuducing  
Soul Reaver- The "They said I was mad! Mad I tell you!!" edition  
  
  
(When Raziel drops back into spectral, he discovers that the Soul Reaver is hovering there)  
  
  
Raziel: and there it was... the soul reaver. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I probably shouldn't touch it...... ah what's the worst that can happen? I mean its not like its going to become a soul stealing parasite which will nearly kill me...  
  
(Raziel touches it)  
  
Raziel: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY ARMS ON FIRE!!!!!  
  
(Starts to run around like an idiot)  
  
Elder god: From this moment and ever afterward......  
  
Raziel: THE PAIN!!!!  
  
Elder God: ahem! FROM THIS MOMENT AND EVER AFTERWARDS,YOU AND....  
  
Raziel: IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Elder God: Your arm isn't on fire you idiot!!!  
  
(Raziel stops running around)  
  
Raziel: oh yeah..  
  
Elder god: anyway. From this moment and ever afterward, you and this blade are inextricably bound. Soul Reaver and reaver of souls, your destinies are intertwined........ hey isn't it weird you're the reaver of souls with a soul blade. What a coincidence  
  
By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison, and restored it to its true form - a wraith blade, its energy unbound. No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.   
  
Raziel: so what your saying is that it'll only work when I have full health?  
  
Elder god: yes  
  
Raziel: so when I'm hit once it'll be gone?  
  
Elder God: Yes  
  
Raziel: and when my health isn't full my health will continue to fall  
  
Elder God: yes  
  
Raziel: I see....... BWHAHAHAHA!! I HAVE THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!! I'M INVINCIBLE!!  
  
Ariel: What are you, little soul? Another of Kain's creatures, come to taunt this bound spectre?   
  
Raziel:I did not intend to disturb your rest.   
  
Ariel: What! I wasn't sleeping!  
  
Raziel: why are you wearing that night cap then?  
  
Ariel: oh that........... I ..........er........... I always wear that  
  
Raziel: How have you come to haunt these Pillars?   
  
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice. He wouldn't die! How selfish can you get? The Pillar of Balance, corrupted to its core, stands as a monument to his blind knitting  
Now these pillars serve only to bind me here -- my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of your master, Kain...   
  
Raziel: That bastard can claim no frequent flyer miles or allegiance from me.   
  
Ariel: Then we share a common foe, Raziel. Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten... Like my birthday!!! You think at least one person would remember! I mean I marked it on Kain calendar but did he remember?! No! do you know what day it is today?!!!  
  
Raziel: ........your birthday?  
  
Ariel: Exactly!! But does anyone care?? NO!!  
  
Raziel: am......... happy birthday....... Have a sound glyph  
  
Ariel: REALLY?!! YAY!!!!  
  
(Ariel flys off)  
  
Raziel: Hey you were supposed to offer me advice!  
  
Elder God: meh it wouldn't have helped. If your looking for advice I'm your squid... I mean man! I said man!  
  
Raziel: Any words of wisdom?  
  
Elder God: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel... beyond the ruins that greet your exit from the Underworld. Armed with the Soul Reaver, you may gain entry where your path was previously blocked.   
  
Raziel: hmmmmmmm that's unusually accurate......  
  
Elder God: I told you you stupid Wheel of fortune! ..... no don't cry...... I didn't mean it...... you know I still love you  
  
Raziel: Oh I hope your not talking to me....  
  
Elder god: what? is thing still on?!  
  
  
(Raziel heads for the silent cathedral)  
  
  
Raziel: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, this towering cathedral now stood derelict. I wondered why the door could only be opened by the reaver. Did this mean anyone who wanted to go to church had to carry an ancient vampiric soul stealing sword? Is it just me or does a room full of people with soul stealing swords sound just a bit dangerous? What if someone dropped it on there toe? Anyway,The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly hymn, now stood silent. Fledgling and elders alike fell to the sound of "Burn Baby Burn" and "The Monster Mash". The downfall of the cathedral came once the humans ran out of good song ideas.  
Now to solve puzzles and flick switches for an hour... hurrah...  
  
(Exactly 1 hour later)  
  
Raziel: AHHHHHH!!!! You stupid ******* block! I hate you!!!  
  
(Errr ... an hour and a bit later)  
  
Zephon: The prodigal son...   
There is no returning for you, Raziel... wait a minute.... You have returned! Well that's me proven wrong  
  
Raziel: Zephon, your visage becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your mirror...   
  
Zephon: well of course it's a appropriate reflection of my mirror!! How could it not be an apporiate reflection of my mirror?!  
  
Raziel: ...well it could.... Shutup!  
  
Zephon: ...and you are not His handsome Raziel anymore... actually you are if you look from the right, it's always been your good side. His precious first-born son, turned betrayer  
You have missed so many weather changes, little Raziel. Last Tuesday it rained for 5 hours! Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction has become my home... Indeed, my body. A cocoon of brick and granite from which to watch a pupating world...well not really watch since I there are no windows in here but you get the idea  
  
Raziel: A crevice in which to cower, only scuttling from the shadows to devour a victim already ensnared in your cowardly trap. But you've made the mistake of leaving me unbound, and it is you who must succumb to my will.   
  
Zephon: Will... instinct... reflex action... the insect mind finds little difference. Except in spelling, pronunciation and meaning  
I warn you, brother - as my stature has grown, so it is matched by my appetite.   
Step forward, morsel...   
  
Morsel: Yes sir?  
  
Zephon: Go get some pie  
  
Morsel: Yes sir  
  
(Morsel leaves)  
  
Zephon: mmmmmm pie........ oh AND NOW YOU DIE!!!  
  
(Zephon attacks... well tries to attack but Raziel is standing a bit too far away)  
  
Zephon: Damn your cunning!  
  
Raziel: Oh please!! He can't move and theres a flame thrower in the corner of the room! I wonder what I should do?  
  
Zephon: I knew it was a mistake to leave a weapon that will destroy me in the corner of the room!! But it's so cold in here at nights!  
  
Raziel: but I have no need for it! For I have the ultimate weapon!  
  
Zephon: what? that blue squiggly thing on your arm?  
  
Raziel: yes. now I'll destroy you!  
  
(Raziel runs forward but zephon just kicks him back into the wall)  
  
Raziel: Hah! A lucky shot you won't be so lucky next time.......oh no it's gone  
  
Zephon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH DEAR GOD THAT WAS SO FUNNY!!! HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Raziel: ah screw it!   
  
(Raziel picks up the flame-thrower and sets zephon on fire)  
  
Zephon: ARGHHHH!!!!!.... "oh no it's gone". HAHAHAHAHAHA!..... good times.....urgh  
  
(Zephon dies and Raziel devours his soul)  
  
Elder God: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift...  
  
Raziel: A PUPPY?!!!!  
  
Elder God: er....no.. Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable   
  
Raziel: that's crap! I want a puppy!! Hey do you have the receit?  
  
Elder God: Oh just shut up  
  
  
  
Next chapter  
Raziel finds the Sarafan tomb And if theres time kills Rahab. Huzzah!  
Read & Review!! PLEASE!!! 


	4. Chapter 4

Me: Huzzah! Chapter 4 up and running... oh no its down again... wait its back up... its still up... ok I think its up now  
Anyway thanks for the reviews! I better start the fiction son in case I invoke the wrath of the Bigasssupersoulreaverthingy.  
Oh by the way Angel-Chan the sock will eventually try to kill you and steal your identity  
Popeland sock: he's right you know  
Me: Huh? Hey put that knife away! I'm warning you! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Introducing  
Soul Reaver- The "Death would be a release, next to this travesty!" edition  
  
(Raziel arrives at the pillars and put 1$ into the Pillar of Balance)  
  
Ariel: Like a corpse in a shallow grave, corruption rises to the surface... Beyond these Pillars, the defiled victim mutely screams its outrage...  
  
Raziel: Mutely screams?! Your just making this up!!!  
  
Ariel: look I don't make these fortune cookies!! .....er I mean .......damn!  
  
(Ariel disappears)  
  
Elder God: *sniff* how come you always go to here for advice!   
  
Raziel: *sigh* all right what do you have to say  
  
Elder God: ahem, The canyons beyond the Pillars expose an ancient blasphemy. Having devoured Zephon's soul, you may now gain entrance where your path was formerly blocked.   
  
Raziel: where was my path blocked?  
  
Elder God: Over there at the odd looking wall  
  
Raziel: When did that block my path?!  
  
Elder god: ....well......am..... do you remember when.... Oh is that the time?  
  
(Raziel climbs up the wall and gets outside)  
  
Raziel: I HAVE THE SOUL REAVER I'M INDESTRUCTABLE!!!!  
  
Dumahaim 1: whos he?  
  
Dumahaim 2: don't know. Lets throw something at him  
  
(The Dumahaim start throwing rocks at Raziel, several hit him)  
  
Raziel: owwwww! No i'll destroy you!   
  
(Raziel starts swinging at them with the soul reaver failing the realise its not there anymore)  
  
Dumahaim 1: errr........... lets just walk slowly away  
  
Raziel: HAHAHHAHAHA!!!! Die!!  
  
Dumahaim 2: Good idea  
  
(The Dumahaim edge away then break into a run)  
  
Raziel: I win!!! The soul reaver rocks!!! ....... Hmmmmmm now where did it go? Never mind  
  
(Raziel arrives at the tomb of the Sarafan)  
  
Raziel: The ancient tomb of the Sarafan, once impenetrably sealed... Now, ravaged by Nosgoth's upheavals, its mysteries lay exposed. Now all that was blocking my path were giant steel bars, so I suppose it actually still is impenetrably sealed unless you have devoured the soul of something which can phase through gates, which coincidentally I had  
  
At the time of Voradors 8am Breakfast radio show, hours before Kain could be bothered to wake up, the Sarafan warrior priests waged a merciless war against the vampire tribes of Nosgoth. Emboldened by righteousness, they committed unspeakable and indiscriminate acts of violence -closing down the vampire bakeries and clothes shops, they decimated entire families businesses in mere decades...... oh and they killed a load of vampires... I always forget that bit, Now their husks lay here - murderers enshrined.  
  
Elder God: Take heed, Raziel. A forgotten history lies within. Know thyself - though it may destroy you...   
  
Raziel: Whos thyself?  
  
Elder God: Oh I give up!  
  
(Raziel makes his way into the depths of the tomb. The passage apparently dead-ends, blocked by a massive stone that seals the tomb.)  
  
Raziel: You really have to admire people who can make perfectly square blocks  
  
(Raziel pulls the stone free)  
  
Raziel: As I pulled the stone free, a sigh of sepulchral air escaped the inner chamber.   
I was not prepared for what lay beyond this threshold...   
  
(  
Raziel walks in and trips over a rock)  
Raziel: damn rock! Hey wait a minute ...These crypts... defiled caskets of Sarafan saints... bearing my brothers' names... And my own...   
The irony of Kain's blasphemous act rushed in on me with the crushing force of revelation...   
  
He'd named us after Sarafan and prepared our tombs for us......and Malek?... that's just plain weird  
  
Elder God: errrrr..... Raziel these are you and your brothers tombs.... You were Sarafan  
  
Raziel: What?!! Were my hands not as bloody as these? .....well yeah..... cause I'm looking at my own hands... I'm confused   
  
Elder God: Yes, Raziel - you were Sarafan... born of the same force that all but destroyed your race. Before the dawn of the Empire, you were chosen.  
Kain -- Nosgoths solitary, self-declared monarch and the Nosgoth Knitting Champion 96-99 - - plundered this tomb and raised you from these crypts. Breathing his vampiric gift into your defiled corpses, he resurrected you as his favoured sons.... Well except for malek  
  
Malek: *Sniff* ......... I'm never included in anything  
  
Raziel: Wow you learn something new everyday...... Hey I wonder if I shift to the spectral will I be able to see my ghost!  
  
(Raziel shifts to the spectral)  
  
Raziel: Hey..... ah i'm not here... what am I standing on..... nothing...... damn...NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo...............  
  
Tomb Guardian: Heretic!Go to jail, go directly to jail,You shall not pass Go you shall not collect 200$...   
  
Raziel: Damn  
  
(Raziel wanders off but then remembers he is not playing monopoly and runs back)  
  
Raziel: Such loyalty... to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Do you prosper on the scraps he casts you?   
  
Tomb Guardian: Not really he keeps throwing down all these scarves and jumpers he knitted for me and..... HEY! Your insults will do nothing to blunt the agonies of your demise.....   
  
Raziel: Kain killed me once -- behold the result.   
  
Tomb Guardian: What result? I can't see it........ unless its invisible!!  
  
Raziel: Er...... I'm the result and I have no more to fear from you.  
  
(The Tomb Guardian fires a telekinetic bolt at Raziel)  
  
Raziel: Owwwwwwwww!!!!! That really hurt!  
  
Tomb Gaurdain: HAHAHAHA!! Hey don't push meeeeeeeeee..............  
  
(Tomb Guardian falls into the water and dies)  
  
Raziel: that was easy  
  
(Raziel devours his soul and gets the force projectile ability)  
  
Elder God: This relic has infused you with the power to.....   
  
Raziel: What relic?  
  
Elder God: .......compress and manipulate space. As your symbiotic weapon, the Soul Reaver is also thus enhanced.....  
  
Raziel: There was no relic!  
  
Elder God: You may focus and project an orb of kinetic energy to strike objects that are otherwise beyond your reach.  
  
Raziel: WHAT RELIC!!!  
  
Elder God: That one  
  
(Elder God points to a relic)  
  
Raziel: That's a shoe the tomb Guardian was wearing  
  
Elder God: What so it can't be 2 things?  
  
Raziel: ......... oh forget it........ so I have physic powers now?  
  
Elder God: Yes  
  
Raziel: I knew you were going to say that .....uncanny  
  
(After an hour trying to bend spoons Raziel finally leaves)  
  
Raziel: Once a sanctuary against the vampire menace, this abbey has been drowned by the deluge spilling from this wounded land. My brother Rahab and his brood, devastated even by the feeble rays of a 6 volt lamp, overcame their vulnerability to water and retreated from the surface along with some mermaid and a singing crab. Now they haunt these ruins, and glide in the darkness of its stagnant depths.   
  
Elder God: Hey I was supposed to tell you that!  
  
Raziel: pah I need no advice with my new physic shoe!!!  
  
Elder God: oh you'll come crawling back!!! You'll see!  
  
(Raziel jumps forward and lands in the water)  
  
Raziel: I always forget that  
  
(Raziel disintegrates)  
  
(A very long time later)  
  
Rahab: Raziel.   
Raziel: Rahab. You have adapted well to your environment, for one so maladjusted to the hussle and bustle of street life..   
  
Rahab: Do not mock me, Raziel. You, of all of us, should respect the power bestowed by a limitation overcome..... hey why are you wearing one shoe?  
  
Raziel: Aha! I knew you would ask so I have an answer ready! This is the physic shoe and it......it....... Damn I can't remember  
  
Rahab: er...right...Kain said you would come.   
  
Raziel: You speak with the murderer?   
  
Rahab: every Sunday at bingo.   
  
Raziel: What did he tell you?   
  
Rahab: That you would destroy me.... And that the key to securing a pension with long term benefits...  
  
Raziel: Long term benefits? hmmmmm . But tell me, before I tear your soul from its moorings, do you know what we were before Kain spawned us?   
  
Rahab: butterflies.   
  
Raziel: Sarafan, Rahab. The antithesis of all we ever believed.   
  
Rahab: *Sarcastic* Not the antithesis!!! Anything but the antithesis! Anyway Kain saved us  
  
Raziel: Saved us? From what?   
  
Rahab: from the antithesis!  
  
Raziel: Oh shut up!  
  
(Raziel starts breaking all the windows around Rahab)  
  
Rahab: Stop that! You might hurt someone!  
  
(Raziel breaks the final window)  
  
Rahab: ARGHHHHHhhhhhh........ hey..... I'm all right! Bwahahahahah!!! I'm indestructible!  
  
Raziel: Damn! All is lost.....hey whats this switch do?  
  
Rahab: Don't touch that!!  
  
(Raziel flicks the switch and a giant disco light is turned on)  
  
Rahab: ARGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY THE HELL DID I INSTALL THAT!!!!!!!   
  
(Rahab dies and Raziel devours his soul)  
  
Raziel: hmmmmmmmm the physic shoe tells me that Infused with Rahab's soul, i have overcome your former vulnerability to water's touch. Immersion in water will no longer dissolve your physical body, enabling me to swim to areas previously beyond my reach and to drink the new Kain Kola (available throughout nosgoth)  
  
(Raziel jumps into the water)  
  
Raziel: Weeeeeeee!!!!!!!! ......my shoe!!!  
  
(The physic shoe disintegrates)  
  
Raziel: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Why did it have to be dry clean only!  
  
  
Next chapter  
Raziel revives Dumah! Huzzah!!  
And then kill him again! Huzzah!!  
Read & Review! Please!!! 


	5. Chapter 5

Me: Bwhahah! I shall smite you mightily!  
  
(Popeland is sword fighting the Popeland sock with a loaf of bread)  
  
Popeland sock: Your bakery products are weak old man!  
  
Me: Oh hello! Just trying to the defeat my sock alter ego  
  
Popeland sock: Never!  
  
Me: I'm very sorry abut the delay but our phone lines thought it would be very funny if they stopped working. By the way Angel-Chan I wasn't saying your sock was giving me trouble, I was saying that your sock will eventually try and kill you and steal your identity, like all socks do... well maybe not all socks... yours might be all right but at the moment my sock is trying to kill me, just thought I'd tell you.  
  
Popeland sock : Come to me my sock brothers!!!  
  
(Suddenly an army of heavily armed socks march over the horizon)  
  
Me: errrrrrr....... Little help?........ anyone?......please?   
  
  
Introducing  
Soul Reaver- the " I thought I killed you!!" edition  
  
  
  
Raziel: This city once teemed with the life of my kind. Could it be that other clans had suffered the same fate as mine?   
In his madness, could Kain spare none of his brood?  
...... well could he?  
  
Elder God: Why don't you ask your precious physic shoe?!  
  
Raziel: ......*sniff* you know your not supposed to talk about that.....   
  
Elder God: sorry, It was not Kain, but Dumah's own arrogance that brought the downfall of his clan. These are human weapons, Raziel - believing themselves invincible, Dumah and his offspring failed to see an challenge coming from the least likely assailants. Complacent with their new fat reducing barbecue grill, they were taken by surprise, allowing the human vampire hunters to challenge him to a limbo contest. But during the third round Dumah tripped and impaled himself on the limbo poles. The few vampires that escaped have been reduced to teaching late night limbo classes  
  
Raziel: so there's absolutely no point in me going in there?  
  
Elder God: No ..... not really.... Except on the off chance he's not really dead and if you kill him you get an ability which is necessary to finish the game  
  
Raziel: That's not very likely is it?  
  
Elder God: no...but I think he stole your beach umbrella  
  
Raziel: Damn him! I knew my clan territory looked less colorful. I'll show him! Thinks he can steal my stuff just because I'm dead!  
  
(Raziel runs around for a while solving puzzles, flicking switch, toppling stone pillars and so on. After a while he finds Dumah)  
Raziel: My brother, Dumah - a powerful warrior, in life. He would have burned with shame, to have me find him here impaled like a prize kebab  
(Raziel take the limbo poles out of dumah)  
  
Dumah: Unbound at last... I thank you, brother.   
  
Raziel: Your thanks are premature, Dumah. I have not forgotten whose hands stole my green and yellow beach umbrella!  
  
Dumah: ......err.. so your not angry about me throwing you into the abyss then?  
  
Raziel:well I am but me getting thrown into the abyss isn't a limited edition thing is it!  
  
Dumah: errrr.......what?  
  
Raziel: Shutup! I'm going to kill you!  
  
Dumah: The centuries in limbo training have honed my strength. Not even Kain is my equal.   
  
Raziel: Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.   
  
Dumah: We shall test your anti-thesis, Raziel.   
  
Raziel: Shutup about the anti thesis!!  
  
(Raziel attacks Dumah)  
  
Raziel: RAHHHH!!!! DIE!!!  
  
(Raziel strikes Dumah repeatedly)  
  
Dumah: ....... Are you quite done?  
  
Raziel: it seems so......  
  
(Dumah punches Raziel and sends him flying backwards into a wall)  
  
Raziel: OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! ......... that didn't hurt... now I'll destroy you but first a jog  
  
(Raziel runs out the door followed by Dumah)  
  
Dumah: Run all you want but I will catch you!! ..Oh damn I left the light on in the throne room!  
  
(Dumah runs back)  
  
(After a few minutes Raziel goes back to find Dumah on sitting down)  
  
Dumah: Huh?.....oh yeah I knew there was something I was doing...... DIE!!!  
  
(Once again Raziel runs out the door followed by Dumah)  
  
Dumah: RAHHHHH!!!!! .....damn! I left the tap on!  
  
(Dumah runs back)  
  
(Once again Raziel goes back)  
  
Raziel: THAT'S IT!! I'm on a schedule here! Kain won't be in the chronoplast chamber all day you know! So will you just follow me so I can kill you?!!!!!!!  
  
Dumah: sheesh! I'm sorry no need to shout.......  
  
(again Raziel runs to the furnace followed by Dumah)  
  
Dumah: WHAT?!!! its my fat reducing barbecue grill!! I've been looking for this for ages!  
  
Raziel: How do you turn it on?  
  
Dumah: oh just flick that switch......... I thought I'd never see it again!  
  
(Raziel flicks the switch)  
  
Dumah: Hey what are you doing? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! YOU'VE SET ME ON FIRE!!!! HOW TOTALLY UNEXPECTED!!!  
  
(Dumah dies)  
  
Elder God: Consuming Dumah's soul empowers you to wind a constricting band of spectral energy around your enemies... as long as they don't move and you run around them in a perfect circle. This energy manifests itself in both the spectral and material realms - and in the physical world, it can be employed to manipulate otherwise immovable objects ,vandalise property and crush small paper cups.   
  
Raziel: HAHA!!!now I'm truly invincible!  
  
  
Next chapter  
The Oracles cave...... HUZZAH!!!!  
The "final" confrontation with Kain ........ HUZZAH!!  
And ........ more knitting related gibberish....... Huzzah?  
Sorry about how short this chapter is but you can only type so much when your being chased by a horde of murderous socks  
Read & Review!!! PLEASE!!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Me: TO VICTORY!!!!  
  
(A huge army of Socks, gloves, and hand puppets led by Angel-chan sock and Raziel sock attack an equally large army of evil socks led by the Popeland the Sock who now likes to be called Nemesis)  
  
Me: hello! Its time for the last chapter of this parody..... sniff.........I think I'm going to cry......oh no I was wrong. Anyway its an extra long chapter because......am.......well because its longer than the other chapters. Enjoy  
Now where'd I leave my flame-thrower?..........  
  
  
Introducing  
Soul Reaver-The "Just leave me die!" edition  
  
  
(Raziel discovers entrance to the Oracle's cave Raziel)  
  
Raziel: The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred... you have to wonder how it occurred if the cave is blocked by a giant door which can only be opened by turning a sundial that can only be turned by a band of spectral energy.  
Moebius played the role Micheal Knight in Knight Rider, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions about the location of the villain super secret base. But behind this film career was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant...due to the fact that when any vampire bought it, they tended to go back in time and kill there human selves, which then leads to there human selves as being raised as vampires who would then travel back in time and kill there human selves...... errr... I'm confused... luckily something like that would never happen to me...  
though, like Moebius himself, they are rumoured to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex...   
I sensed that Kain was here... and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.   
  
(Suddenly there is an explosion and the devil appears)  
  
The Devil: I'll take you up on that offer  
  
Raziel: WHAT?!!! NOOOOOOOooooooooo.........  
  
(after an eternity of fixing sinks and toilets in hell Raziel is returned to Nosgoth)  
  
Raziel: I had to say Plumb the depths of hell didn't I?!! Why couldn't I have said Clean the floors of a local supermarket?!!!  
  
(Raziel enters the oracles cave and comes across a statue of Moebius)  
  
Raziel: This, I deduced, must be the man himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits... although I had come to doubt the man was 1 hundred feet tall and could shoot lasers from his eyes. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power... just not one that would imply he could fly like Kain had always claimed  
  
(Raziel finds a portal which shows Raziel reviving after Kain had executed him)  
  
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age... What trickery is this?   
  
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of daytime T.V itself.   
  
(Suddenly the portal changes to a picture of the elder god)  
  
Portal Elder God: New in town? Just arrived after an eternity of torture? But don't worry, because  
You are worthy  
You are worthy of the new Nosgoth Gold Card!!   
Your background is of no concern to us!  
Sick and tired of all those other expensive credit cards?  
Well apply now for the Nosgoth gold card for a guaranteed flat rate of 2.3% APR!  
Yes 2.3% APR!!  
Call 1005-SQUID for your card now!  
  
Raziel: ......?  
  
Elder God: Ermmmmm..... you probably should ignore that  
  
(Raziel walks down to the next portal shows Raziel's discovery of the Tomb of Sarafan)  
  
Mortainius voice: Yes its eveyones worst nightmare  
To be raised from the dead to serve under the one thing you despised  
But worry no more! Introducing the new...  
Impenetrable crypt!!!  
Its been tested against everything, explosions, meteorites, earthquakes and hurricanes!  
Nothing can get in or out!  
So call now at 1850-SAVE-ME-FROM-THE-ANTI-THESIS  
  
Raziel: These apparitions torment me... little has been said of the terms and conditions  
  
(Raziel comes across the third portal which shows Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel)  
  
Kains voice: Are you sick and tired of your indestructible weapon exploding when you need it most?  
Well fear no more! Introducing the new, all purpose  
Knitting needle of death!!  
This knitting needle can not only be used for every known stitch but it can also be used to destroy your enemies!!  
(Returns to Raziel confronting Kain, but this time Kain is armed with a giant knitting needle which he uses to cut Raziel in half)  
Buy now and receive your very own Heart of Darkness! For all your vampiric restoration needs!!  
All this for the price of 19.99$!! call now on 1850-VAE-KNITUS  
  
Raziel: Impossible - this must be one of Kain's deceptions... no one can offer so much for the low,low price of 19.99$....   
  
(The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting)  
  
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict... does Kain await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?  
  
Moebius Voice: Yes time is a confusing thing   
But I have the answer!  
The new Wonder Watch!!  
This watch has been officially time streamer approved! A must have for any regular time traveller!  
You may get lost millions of years in the past but know you will know exactly how many millions of years!  
All for the astounding price of 34.55$  
Hurry,This madness most end soon!  
  
(Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver)  
  
Malek voice: *sigh* it's a sad thing to see  
But the truth is a circle guardian is lost nearly every century  
This pointless slaughter can be avoided but we need your help  
Please donate kindly to the "Save the Circle" Foundation  
We take money, armaments, soldiers, heavy artillery... anything you can spare  
Help save our worlds circle guardians!......... except Kain  
  
Raziel: ........ er........ right  
  
(Another portal, which is mercifully the last shows shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, its blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies)  
  
Bane Voice: This man was once a boring plain man.With a simple blue wraith blade attached to his arm... But no longer!!  
He can now stand tall with his new red and black wraith blade  
We at Bane, Anarcrothe and DeJoule image and design consultants changed his life and we can help you too!  
Tired of your right arm? We can change it into a horrible mutated tentacle!  
We also do landscape! Boring old ornamental pond? How about a lake of fire and brimstone!!  
Call 5167-AH-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THAT! Its just that easy!  
  
Raziel: Red AND black?!! Now that's stylish.  
  
(After having worked his way down into the depths of Moebius' complex, he comes across the Chronoplast chamber)  
(Kain steps out of the shadows)  
  
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you would be here sooner...and with a cake of some sort. Tell me - did it trouble you to murder your brothers?   
  
Raziel: Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?   
  
Kain: Are you still going on about that?!!! Come on that was ages ago! Stop living in the past!... and I knew you'd be alright because I knitted a big scene showing it all  
  
Raziel: Lies. You cannot have knitted all of this.   
  
Kain: Stitching is relentless, Raziel.   
When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knitting. To know the jumper Raziel... to see its wool and seams tracing out into the infinite... As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden stitches... But each of us is so much more than we once were...well you're a bit less due to the lack of a stomach and jaw... anyway Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like really boring people who take up a hobby which takes control of their entire life? As long as a single stitch stands, we are scarf... That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can do so with a clear heart...   
  
Raziel: .....what? why are you talking about knitting? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOU KEEP MUTTERING ON ABOUT KNITTING!!!  
  
Kain: These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look - in your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre-ordained paths. My path just happens to include knitting.  
Free will is an illusion.   
  
Raziel: I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.   
  
Kain: HEY! I was young and I didn't know what I was doing!!  
  
Raziel: ......am... I meant about transforming a Sarafan priest into a vampire..  
  
Kain: oh...that secret... One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies very far away in a hole at the other side of the word or even closer...  
Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same - Sarafan and vampire. Except that they were human an totally against vampires.. so really that means we're totally different. When you think about it that way it makes no sense. Damn... still who better to serve me than those who at the slightest chance will try to kill me..  
  
Raziel: I will not applaud your idiotic blasphemy. The Sarafan were saviours, defending Nosgoth from The Joker and the corruption that we represent. My eyes are opened, the problem is I have no eyelids so I can't close them now. Kain - I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.  
  
Kain: You may have uncovered your past and talked about it completely accurately of the last 10 minutes, but you know nothing of it... You think the Sarafan were noble, altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.   
  
Raziel: to make a mint that is both chewy and minty?  
  
Kain: no our other agenda....  
  
Raziel: world domination?  
  
Kain: Yes!  
  
Raziel: These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?   
  
Kain: Yes I have sold your entire life story for use in adds!  
  
Raziel: This blasphemous act will not go unpunished!  
  
(Raziel attacks Kain)  
  
(After Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch, and materialises in front of the star portal)  
  
Kain: You nearly had me, Raziel...   
  
Raziel: how did I nearly have you?!! I hit you 3 times!  
  
Kain: Yeah but......Shutup........anyway this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos promise more twists before this drama unfolds completely.   
  
(As he finishes speaking, he turns and runs through the star portal. Raziel prepares to follow)  
  
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence...   
  
Raziel: WOOHOO!!!   
  
(Raziel leaps through the star portal)  
  
Elder God: ...... wait a minute did I say beyond my influence? I meant still under my influence. Damn... ah who cares we'll cut that later  
  
(After Raziel steps through the portal, he comes to a mysterious room with an infinity symbol on the floor. A moment later, Moebius steps out of the darkness)  
  
Moebius: Raziel... Raindeer and destroyer... fawn and messiah. Welcome, tin-canned soul... Welcome... to ... This Is Your Life!!!! ......oh sorry I mean...destiny...   
  
  
Moebius:Where Time is but a loop,   
A loose stitch in the universal cloth,   
A Streamer might seize upon a chance, a fatal slip -   
And plunge the fate of planets into chaos...   
Kain: What do you mean a loose stitch?!!! What are you accusing me of!!!  
Moebius: I just meant... AHHHHH STOP HITTING ME!!!!   
  
  
(The picture shows a desolate battle field. Scraps of cotton and wool litter the area. Nothing is alive........... well except for a huge party of celebrating socks, gloves and hand puppet, but apart from that nothing is alive)  
  
Raziel sock:... And then there were 50 socks all around me! *Hic* an I just killed em all!!  
  
Angel-chan sock: of course you did... I think you've had enough washing powder..  
  
Raziel: SHUTUP YOU!! I'L TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ....... *gulp* heheh...I'm sorry.. I didn't mean that.....AHHHHHH!!! SAVE ME!!!!  
  
Me: So that's the end of this parody  
I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed!   
Oh and if anyone had a favourite scene or line from the parody could they tell me what it was.  
Right now I'm thinking about writing a soul rever 2 parody but I'm not sure if I will at the moment  
So anyway   
THANKS FOR READING THE PARODY!! 


End file.
